pitched verbal comm

Unbearable Cold

Sunday, August 31, 2008

I don't know how to break it to you about how I feel about this friendship. I wish I could you how I feel right now. You had let me down to the point that I could no longer care about you anymore and I can't bother. To think that I treated you like that in the past, makes my heart ache with sadness and disappointment. I cry silently everyday...each day accumulating more tears and tears in my heart.

I hope you can notice, but you're far too busy in your life to notice this change and I don't want to trouble you any further. I don't want to let go of this friendship but it's hurting me way too much.

You're nothing to me but an acquaintance now. If you think shoving you aside was an easy task, think again. I thought it through but this is the best solution to end.

I don't want to talk to you about it til you notice this change in my attitude towards you. I'm sorry...deeply..

Needles and Wheelchairs

Friday, August 29, 2008

Went to the hospital today for a minor operation so I didn't go to school today! YAY!

Okay, I wish all the teachers a Happy Teachers' Day, I'm sorry I couldn't come visit you guys. I waited from 9:30am to 1:30pm for the operation because there were a lot of patients waiting in line and the doctors weren't done with the cases.

Operation room was damn bloody cold. I was shivering, not only because of the icy cold atmosphere, but also at the sight of needles. Yep, I totally hate needles. And the doctor used 3 shots of needles to numb my toe. Then I felt a sharp pain on my toe and realised he started operating on my toe and it haven't totally numb yet.

I told the doctor of course, and he stuck in another 2 shots of needles to numb again, without telling me..My God, I get really pale and scared if you're about to stick a needle in me.

The time for the operation was like 15 mins. It was fast. Really have to thank this particular nurse who really helped me calm my nerves and of course the doctor for doing such a fast job with the removal of the nail. I was wheeled out of the operation theatre. I love playing on the wheelchair. Not really playing but rolling it was the fun part but it was tiring.

Your presence is no longer felt by my heart. A great success for me and my emotional roller-coaster. You are not my close friend anymore.

Genuine Me

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I love music.

I love movies.

I love books.

I love being by myself.

I love my elder sister very much.

I love doing weird things.

I love the Esplanade.

I love going out with my friends.

I love my friends: Shaun, Farhan...

I hate people who loves to make fun of people and they mean it.

I love to make racist jokes but don't mean them. The meaner it gets, the funnier it gets.

I love being the minority in the class. Kinda makes me special...

I realised I hate the fame. It brings nothing but ego to your personality..

I'm more of a humble guy than a proud one. But I'm proud of myself of all the great achievements I had acquired.

I tend to think too much. That means I'm a sensitive guy..I care a lot for people. Even they are not my friends...

I love observing people on the bus, MRT, streets...Practically anywhere.

I love to think but I prefer to have things already layed in front of me.

I longer care what others think about me.

I hate forcing myself into a group of people who don't regard my words at all.
I usually keep quiet and don't talk at all. I might even take out my MP3 player and listen to the songs. Or I could simply walk away.

I hate being underappreciated. I'm not doing it for the fame and glory. I just want to be mentioned because I am part of it. But not in front of a crowd...That's embarrassing and scary.

I do what I have to do. I don't like to over-do it just to prove that I'm worth to be promoted or recognised.

I love to give credits to my peers. Seeing them in the limelight...the time of their lives..Makes me happier than me receiving my due.

I like to poke my nose into other people business because I want to know what my friends are doing.

I may seem very quiet when you're with me outside, but that's because I'm waiting for a topic to talk about. If you keep quiet, I'll start freaking out because I think you're really creeping me out.

If I hmm or uh-huh, means I'm really attentively trying to comprehend every single word you told me so I wouldn't forget it.

If I hmm or uh-huh too many times, means I'm just trying to half comprehend and half waving your comments away.

Actually, it depends where my eyes are looking. If I'm looking at you, means either you're too attractive or your words actually are making sense. If I'm looking elsewhere, it means either I saw a hot babe(1 second then turn back), a girl that could be my type(3 seconds then turn back) or you're just boring the shit out of me(10 secs and more) and I don't want to listen.

So this is only like 50% of me that you'll understand. The other half is a mystery. That makes me different from the rest. =D

An Awkward Dream

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

It's going to be a short entry today...

I had a dream this morning.

I dreamt that I was with my guy friends in a field playing some sports game, then we came across this field of sunflowers, basking themselves in the presense of the sun and the girls were on the other side of the fields, enjoying themselves while admiring the flowers.

We wanted to cross over to the field to join them but somehow while in the middle of the fields, we stopped. There were a few bees flying around in the area and they had names on their yellow and black stripe bodies. Awkward, yeah?

Being the smart one(naturally), I decided to walk to the other side of fields and cross over while the guys take the dangerous route. Somehow, there was this bee who was pissed off by my decision to take the short-cut(I knew by some reason). He followed me.

I was freaked out of course. Chuck was angry. I could tell, because his name on his body was in bright red and earlier, the names of the bee weren't in bright red. I was freaked out by it so I made a dash for the girls' area, swinging my hands around me, trying to drive the pissed-off bee away.

I got pissed-off too, so in the midst of swinging. I caught the bee by the head and the stinger was pointing outwards. Phew. But Oh my God! The son of a bitch was fucking huge, I tell you. It's body width was like 7cm long, man! And I could see Chuck's stinger trying to sting my other hand but to no avail. Chuck felt like toy merchandise with fur and felt soft on the outside and have hard fillings on the inside. It felt like a soft toy.

Finally, it did stung my left palm. But it didn't felt pain. I pulled out the sting and I saw the small hole injury on my palm. The yellow liquid, not pus, did not ooze out of the hole. I was so damn worried that I might be poisoned by it. I thought Chuck was dead because, you know, his stinger came out. But that motherfucker grew it back!

And that's probably when I woke up to find that it was all a stupid, crazy dream. -.-!!!

Just Something About Hospitals..

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I hate hospitals.

That medicinal smell always linger in your nostrils and it's not a pleasant smell at all. You can even feel it in the atmosphere. The atmosphere is gloomy and there isn't anybody who's going to jump for joy. To top it off, you see injured and very ill people waiting in line to be diagnosed by the medical officers.

I saw a middle-aged man, his finger bandaged. Then another guy, motorcyclist, sitting on his wheelchair, waiting to collect his medicine. It's a horrible sight. People with fever, flu, cough were quarantined in another holding area so as to not spread their virus to non-infected. Hmmm, sound like a good movie plot to do a zombie film.

I spent like 4 goddamn hours at the polyclinic and the hospital, just to get an appointment for an minor operation. Wow...just wow..Nearly got the shock of my life when the doctor at the polyclinic said I have to have the operation today. Seriously, this is not cool at all. At least give the man some time to think about. You don't go around patients and say "Okay, you HAVE to be operated by today or your infection will get worse.."

And SHIT! I really fucking hate needles. They scare everything out of me....Probably it's my number 1 fear...

Haiz...Can't you doctors just put me to sleep first before you operate? I don't want any needles to be poked into my toe just to make it numb...

Guilty, Devasting yet Languorous Confessions

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Feeling very bloated for a few weeks now...Don't know why..and I do feel FAT...ugh

To top it off, I saw some disgusting comment somewhere on the net.

My toe is slowly rotting away and Mother scared me by saying the doctor has to chop it off. Goddammit, Mom...

Mos Burger is frigging delicious. I had a normal burger from there once and it didn't made any impact on my taste buds.

Wolfmother just disbanded and YES I'm fucking devasted by the loss. This band is REALLY good, I tell you.

No Banding Programme for the whole of next week! Yay! But Prelims is this Thursday...dammit...

I still don't get what procrastination means...Can somebody tell me? I promise I'll never sodomise you..=X

Going to take Grade 5 Percussion Exam...have faith in my tutor, but I'm still nervous about it
...
I frigging love music, and I'm just taking this for my ownself as a long-lasting hobby.

I was considering heavily whether I should really take the Directing Movies route in my life, because the industry itself is full of frauds.
...
Then I realise there's the Coen Brothers who don't like doing interviews with press yet they are amazing film-makers...yup, I want to follow them in their footsteps..

Going to start mugging til quite late..

Bid you guys farewell...byebye

Maybe I shouldn't be caring for you in any way. What's the point? You don't seem to give a shit. So what am I suppose to do? Erase all the good things about you from my mind and head back to life so I treat you like how you treated me now? Seems to be a pretty good idea...

On My Mind

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Had a great chat with Shaun, Farhan and Fazrina on MSN...Laughing our asses off at irrelevant topics..

Still haven't decided whether want to go join the band and head down to Genting Highland for band competition..

Felt that even though you claimed that you do treat me this way, I can feel nothing from you.

Thinking why I haven't sleep. It's 4:07AM in the morning right now and I'm not feeling it's taking a toll on me. Yet.

Felt that I missed out a lot of fun Afrom just now. But it's okay. I had a good sleep this afternoon.

Still kinda mourning over my MT results...and still can't believe that Shaun got B3...LOL..sorry, man...

Haha, Shaun...you didn't disappoint me. It's very seldom you come across friends like Shaun and Farhan....and Andrew =D dude I haven't forgotten about you.

Just gonna shut my eyelids for awhile...hmmm my bed feels nice...*yawn* lemme take short nap...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.......

Life's a Bitch

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I am probably coming to an end in my life. Not that I don't want to live on, just that I cannot because it's too competitive out there. I seriously feel like giving up on studying because no matter how hard I try, I still cannot be better than my friends and seniors.

Today was the release of the MT O Levels results and I got a B4. I am happy with my grade, because, taking in mind that I nearly screwed up Paper 2 and wrote a very incomplete conclusion for my composition and had different answers from my friends for Listening Comprehension, I got a B4 for my Chinese paper. So it's a miracle.

But somehow, competiting with myself is not enough. Bobby got B3, Shaun B3, Farhan B3, Su Juen also B3, Bi Xuan also....ARGHHH all the B3s making me go mad. Because of the indirect peer pressure, I have to reconsider my options. Again. To retake or not to retake??

I don't know. I don't feel like retaking because I know I'm done with Mother Tongue. I can't spend another week doing Chinese comprehension while trying to work out a goddamn answer for Chemistry paper.

Tomorrow is the English Oral for O Levels. Damn, man. My picture conversation is really weak. I sincerely pray to Gohonzon that tomorrow will be an easy one for me.

Seriously, I don't want to try anymore...I'm not cut out for this thing....haiz..

NDP 2008

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Happy Birthday Singapore!!! Now now, let's not all get all so excited..Haha..

I chose my dad to go with me to the NDP. Mom said he liked watching this kind of big events because he's a big fan though he doesn't express it. For dinner, he bought himself lor mai kai. I forgot what is it called in English..It's like some steam rice. Anyway, and I bought myself KFC but I bought for him an extra burger just in case he gets hungry. Oh yeah, and Su Juen was there as an EXCO Member of the Show Committee and she came to look for me to say "Hi".

I think the highlights of the whole show was the Black Knight planes and the fireworks. The planes were dope! Oh my gosh, the pilots were so brilliant in maneuvering the planes at such a breakneck speed! Two planes did a dangerous stunt which my jaws dropped in awe. Not literally, of course...Both planes, each flying from opposite ends of the skies and pass each other in parallel paths and what made it outstanding? Both planes were side by side when they pass each other! I was like telling myself, if they were to collide, I wouldn't jeer, but laugh in the most inappropriate manner. Yup, that's me. I'm a sadist for unfortunate events.

The fireworks were beautiful too. I was kind of thinking they were trying to match up with Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremony's fireworks. This year's fireworks was never this long before. Mr Lee Kuan Yew probably was yawning at their attempts to make this a big event. Come on! It's Beijing OLYMPICS, you can't beat that...SSA(Singapore Soka Association)'s performance was good. I can feel the unity they had, not that other groups weren't united. I think I'm bias on this one...=/..

After it ended, we headed down to MacDonald's to get my sister some stuff to eat. Then walked all the way to Subway(Subway~ Eat Fresh!) to have a Subway Meltz while my dad had a cup of tea and half a Chocolate Chip Cookie. Ooh, it was awesome. Thank God, I told the guy who was serving me to add any vegetables. It was cool with the tomato, cucumber, green chili, anchovy...It was good. I was having a hard time trying to send SMSs to my friends. Sorry, people!

Hmm...I don't know about this one. I had a good time SMS-ing her today...think she had a good time too. But that's me...Let's see how this work out later then. I promised her if I have two tickets to NDP 2009, I would ask her to come along with me. I'm not sure...She seem all right but too pretty for me. I would rather ask the other one but this one...hmm, let Nature takes its course then. =D No big problem...

080808

Friday, August 08, 2008

First, let me extend my congratulations to Pasir Ris Secondary School for the wonderful Official Opening. Everything went smoothly and there weren't any hiccups along the way. I was pleasantly surprised by the reception we have because usually there ain't anything for the students to eat except for the VIPs. I had 1 plate of nasi lemak and half a plate of it again because I was famished. So today kind of rocked =D. And then some idiot told my friend to get him some food and then he ends up telling us to help him finish while he goes flirt with his girl friends.

Haiyo Mr. Leong, this Opening Ceremony performances are still not any better than NDP one. How you compare your balloons to NDP's fireworks? Are you nuts?? But I'll give credit for the efforts put in. You guys did an awesome job of kissing Mr. Mah Bow Tan's ass. Hahaha!! Nah..Just joking. Seriously, it was fantastic for a small celebration.

Just now I went to meet up with Su Juen Jie for lunch because I forgot to return her choir score last night. I put it in my bag as it was raining heavily then I forgotten everything about it until she sms-ed me then I alighted at the nearest bus-stop, only to be told that I could return her the score(more like book) the next day.

So we had Yoshinoya at Marina Square for lunch, before that she went to meet up with Fadhil. Man, I missed that senior...Wondering how's he doing right now. Okay, back to the story. She then later handed me TWO tickets to tomorrow's NDP. How cool is that?! Thanks Su Juen!! Haha...

Though I was kind of hungry, but Su Juen was way faster with her food. I took some glances at her empty bowl while eating and went "Woah, this girl is fast! Like some hungry _____." This gave me stress, that I have to quickly munch down everything. Is is me or you? I usually finish my food very fast. But you managed to beat my record. Hmmm...

We only had some time to do window shopping so she went to Minitoons and found something she wanted. Some toy arm-rest. I think it's practical. Usually I find the side of my upper arm to have no feeling at all after long time of resting on the table. I would pinch and grab the meat out but I just couldn't feel anything. DAMN I'm fat. Ughh..

Marina Sqaure was having some kind of wedding exhibition going on. And some lady just came forward to us and asked us to help her. So yeah, okay, I'm willing to help. Then she asked.."Are you guys together?.." My mind went blanked. Okay I know I've been going out with Su Juen a lot of times but it's because we're just very close friends. Of course we both said "No." simultaneously so that shut that lady up. Five seconds after we left, Su Juen started laughing then "ugh"ing. I asked her "what's so funny?" and she said "I can't imagine being a couple with you." -.-...Okay. Thanks a lot...But later on, I was picturing in my mind the possibility of a wedding picture of me and her then I realised she was right all along. It was one of the most funniest yet grosteque picture ever imagined.

I have the tickets to NDP sitting right in front of me and now I'm thinking whether I should let my sister go or not. Hmmm...

I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you're looking for?

Sunday Morning

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Suddenly I've got this urge and craving to learn this piece of music. It's so jazzy yet so rock. I love the style that this music have. Hopefully, I can find the piano score for this song soon...Haiz, I miss the old Maroon 5..

Maroon 5
Sunday Morning
Songs About Jane

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

[chorus]
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

[chorus]
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself back home to you
And you may not know

[chorus]
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning

It's not about life this time. It's about having that extra special someone in life.

I only just realised that EVERYONE, yes everyone, is somehow going to leave at some part of your life. Even family, friends, pets or whoever it may concerns you. It's going to be fucking lonely and fucking miserable, I know. Til you get your life-long partner, you have no idea who you're going to end up with. So you spend your life like wreck, enjoying the company of friends and family and not knowing that one day, they will leave you.

I've been there before. The group of friends I have, keep changing to different faces. At first I saw Andrew, then it was Yan Ting, and now it's my lovely band mates and of course, my wonderful Jie, Su Juen. The sad thing is, it's never confirmed whether I will see them again later part of my life. But I want to let you guys know, wherever you guys go, whether overseas, I will always remember that you made a difference in my life before.

Back to our topic, that extra special someone is of course, you partner.

Now, I finally understood the idea of having that partner. Friends are going to leave you, they're not going to be there all the time.

So that partner is actually your life-long friend. She's neither your girlfriend nor your wife. The reason why you guys are together is not that you guys are made for each other. Rather, it's because you guys can get along really well like very, very close friends. I don't know. I just see it this way.

Now I'm going to wait it out, wait for that best girl friend to come by and see how it goes. No use being desperate for girl who doesn't regard you like a close friend, what more a partner for life...

Enough is Enough!

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Life.

It's confusing, mind-bogling, puzzling and...more confusing.

There are days when I felt like dropping all my subjects and just start making films or music.

I can't stand doing homework and doing revisions, it just bores the crap out of me.

I'm not only humming First Suite in E Flat, I'm singing songs to entertain myself(David Cook, anyone?)

I find myself dreaming and conjuring pieces of an action film. Example, some sniper from a HDB Block is trying to assasinate me but he misses. So I'm hiding behind a wall and suddenly the whole chunk of concrete gets pulled out and reveals my location. I stand up slowly, looking out into the open space while the camera zooms out.

I still remembered I was going to sleep when I had "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" Beatles song stuck in my head while the image that I had unconciously imagined was the most trippiest image I ever had. I was not taking drugs, man!

So now, I'm waiting for the day I could stack up all my unwanted books like a beacon and burn them all together.

To another topic, shall I?

Feeling so unimportant right now.

It doesn't matter if I talk or not.

If I try to joke, people says I'm lame and I suck at jokes.

If I don't say anything, people think I'm awfully quiet and boring.

If I say something serious, people think I'm no fun.

So what's it gonna be?

And now, I feel that I'm not pleasing EVERYONE.

But it's not about pleasing, it's about socialising.

So I'm a bad socialiser, I can't fucking keep up with the conversations.

Can't fucking entertain someone by my own for an hour.

Can't even make people think I'm a fun, lovable asshole.

Always stuttering my words because they can't flow out smoothly from my brain to my mouth.

So, am I a joke created by Gods?

Am I a goddamn comedy television channel to let Them watch me at how feeble and pathetic my attempts are at interacting with beings?

If I am, then fuck you Gods. Seriously, fuck you all to hell.

How do I be myself, when I don't even know who I really am anymore?